Hope in the Lord

May 2, 2010

My first week of chemo has come and gone with mixed results. I can honestly say it has not been the highlight of my life. Monday found me with a two hour drip that causes my cells to stop dividing. After the drip they hook me to a pump that does a 24 hour infusion into my system. I take that home with me. Tuesday I return, unhook the pump, have an hour drip that coats the good cells so they will divide (This stuff is smarter than me – it knows which cells to coat) then I am hooked back up to the pump for another 22 hours. Wednesday I go get unhooked and am free for the next week. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday found me feeling ok. Went to bed early Monday but the steroids keep me up Tuesday. Wednesday I felt well enough to go to Celebrate Recovery. Thursday found me going a little slow and by Friday and Saturday I felt like I had been run over by the world’s largest body poison polluter. I am constantly nauseous which surprises no one in my family because anytime something goes into my system, that’s how I react. I spend those two days pretty much sitting in my chair.

As I was sitting, feeling miserable, a verse I have used many times over the years came to me. Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Even though I know God’s word is always true, I could not help but wonder to myself and God what good was this possibly serving. I certainly had no energy to share with anyone, I couldn’t even find the energy to pick up my Bible and read His word. It took Him a few minutes (or longer) to get through to me but I slowly realized that my being still was what He desired most. I know that every breath I take depends on God, but when I am feeling strong and healthy I don’t really give it much thought. The last two days everything I felt has been given much thought, and all given to Him. I have friends and family who love me, but I can not be complaining over every new little pain – but He will listen to me – I can’t keep them from doing what they need to do – but He will never leave my side – I can’t ask them to bring the yellow finches to my bird feeder – but He brought me a dozen of them. Kent would do anything for me, but when I just need to cry sometimes it’s only God who needs to hear – Kent gives me his love but God gives me His strength. I went to church today and every song we sang had to do with God’s glory and His giving us the strength we needed to face our day. For that I will continue to praise Him. When I took communion, it brought new tears to my eyes thinking of what my God did for me. I complain about nausea – He was beaten, spat upon, and crucified for me. So if I complain occasionally while doing this blog please be sure that I do know where it is at – that I am the arms of a loving God and He will renew my strength. Today we sang from Isaiah 40:29 “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak….but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.”

Janice