The journey is finished, or perhaps it has just begun. There are struggles that we are dealing with that we know are not uncommon. I have questions. If God heals, and I know He does, why didn’t He heal Janice? As we began to realize that the end was here I asked that He take her Himself so that we would not have to make the decision to stop the life support. Was it too much to ask that He just stop her heart and take her home? I have heard of people who have opened their eyes at the last moment and talked about the angels in the room and how they peacefully stepped away with those angels. What a great sign that would have been and what assurance that it’s really real. But God didn’t do any of that. Rather, we had to make the decision to stop the life support. She never regained any kind of consciousness, and I was almost out of my mind by the time she took the last breath. I thought there had been some hard things in my life before, but nothing came close to this. The enemy often tries to drag that scene back into my mind and use it to destroy me. But here’s the good part; he’s not been successful, and he will never be. “Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world.” (1 Jn 4:4b) And here’s another good thing. My whole family and a few good friends were in that ICU room. Before we turned the machines off we prayed over her, and the nurse who was responsible for the procedure joined hands and prayed with us. We prayed not only for Janice and ourselves, we prayed for Jason, our great nurse. Then, as the process started, we sang several of her favorite hymns and praise songs. Later, one of the nurses told us we could be heard all over ICU, and that people thought we had brought in professionals. Good thing my daughter and son-in-law carried us with their good voices or they may have kicked us out. As we were singing, I looked over and Jason, our nurse, was singing with us as he was turning off machines. So Janice left this earth with some very questionable voices doing the best we could, into the sound of heavenly voices beyond anything heard on earth. What a step that must have been.
So, why didn’t God answer those prayers the way I would have preferred? Why wasn’t she healed, or why wasn’t I given a sign, or why didn't He just take her before we had to turn off the machines? I don’t know. He doesn’t explain Himself. He doesn’t have to. He is God the Creator and we are the created (Isaiah 45:9). He is sovereign and He will do what He wants to bring benefit to Himself. Is that just? He is the definition of justice. Would a loving God do that? “God is love.” (1 Jn 4:8) Then why does He do it?
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways…
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are my ways higher than your ways,
And my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9)
My finite mind cannot understand His infinite ways. And what about just a sign that there really is a life after death? What about all those stories about angels in the room? When the Pharisees asked Jesus for a sign He told them they were wicked and they had the only sign they would get; His resurrection after three days. (Matt 12) And that “…we walk by faith, not by sight.” (2 Cor 5:7) So there you have it. I have a choice to make. I can either believe that God is God and Janice is in His presence, or I can chose to not believe. Sometimes He gives overwhelming evidence; sometimes He doesn’t. Sometimes He physically heals; sometimes He doesn’t. But I have to believe that what He does to bring honor to Himself will always be best for us; whether we think so or not.
Remember the verse in Isaiah 43:1-2, that started this whole journey? As we have walked through some very deep waters, He has been with us. The rivers have risen beyond flood stages, but they haven’t covered us. We have been though the fires near hell, but they haven’t consumed us. Life will never be the same. I will remember her every day of my life. It has changed the way we see the world. I used to be Janice Scott’s husband; now I’m just Kent Scott. But we will find a new normal and we will chose life. And someday, we will walk into His presence and there she will be. To us that may be a while; or maybe not. To Janice, it will only be the blink of an eye and we’ll be there. That is the hope that is in us. Happy Birthday Babe ….. you would have been 65 today. Instead you are in a place where birthdays are meaningless. Right now, so am I.
Kent
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