Jennifer's Letter

My pseudo sister, Debra, is currently in a “Surviving the Holidays” Grief Share class and on her prompting I am writing this letter to my friends and family to help you understand where I may be coming from during this holiday season.

As I have been on the perimeter of this great loss, many of you may not fully understand the depth of sadness I feel and why. Janice was not only my absolute best friend and person I turned to for advice but she was my Bakersfield Mom. In her eyes (and mine) I was family and I never felt anything less. She incorporated my family into every holiday and every day get together as if we were her very own. I would enjoy watching her give to others, knowing she was training me for the same. Thus as this first Thanksgiving/Christmas season without her is upon us, I find it difficult to feel joy. While I understand the true meaning of the season is the birth of our glorious Savior, the everyday joy is truly hard to feel. There is a big hole this holiday season. I don’t really feel like singing or celebrating or setting up the tree or decorating or even pretending to be excited. Most days I feel like crying (and I do) because a huge part of my life is missing. I cry for my pseudo family: Debra, Lisa, Kristi and Dad (and their families) the most, but I also cry for my children and myself and the deep loss that we feel. While I may not feel like singing and celebrating, you will see me moving forward attempting to find and remember the joy that Janice found in the season primarily for my children. However, please know that if you see me down or even with tears in my eyes, I really don’t need your words that she is in a better place or I will see her again - I already know - I just need your understanding, your continued prayers for the Scott family and maybe if you think about it for mine, and a hug or two along the way. Thank you for being there and understanding.

Jennifer

Lisa' Letter

Dear Friends and Family,

I was given a task by my sister to write about how this holiday season will look for me in light of the loss of my mom. In Grief Share she was encouraged to write a letter to those who love her to allow them to see a bit of her heart and struggle during this time of the year. After reading hers and praying through what that looked like for me, I conceded and decided it might be useful for you all to know what I am feeling during this time and how best to love me in this.
The Thanksgiving/Christmas season has always been one that our family has looked forward to with great anticipation. Our house was always full of people and decked out in the finest Christmas decorations. To me it meant spending time with the people that loved me the most and believing that I had been blessed beyond belief with the incredible family that the Lord had given me. My mom played a huge part of that. She had a heart for others and many times we had people sitting around our table that needed a place to feel loved during the holidays or she would load up the van and deliver Christmas to a family that would not otherwise have Christmas. This year our Christmas will be missing that. She isn’t here to load up the van or invite others in. Her house will be devoid of Christmas decorations because it is way too difficult to my dad and Deb to pull them out and put them up.
The void I feel is huge. I can hardly make it through a day without falling apart because I miss her so much. I can be driving down the street and suddenly in tears because I have seen something that has reminded me of her or I have heard a song on the radio that reminds me of her. The void will be much greater during this Christmas season. While I know Christmas is about the birth of my Savior, it has always been the holiday that reminds me most of my mom. I feel numb and cannot seem to find the joy for Christmas that I have had during the past 40 years. I know that that joy will return someday, but for now I have such great sorrow. This is a loss that I won’t get over quickly and I need you to know that I may need to just be sad this season. So many of you have prayed for our family and I ask that you continue, especially during this time. However, I ask that you just allow me to be sad. Don’t feel like you need to cheer me up or not ask how I am, for fear of my answer. I will be OK, because I know that my true joy comes from the Lord, but I need to grieve this loss and feel these emotions. I may need a bit more patience and perhaps a hug. I may not be as attentive to your needs during this time and it is not because I do not care or love you. It is because it is all I can do to make it through the day without falling apart because of the pain of my loss and I just can’t give you what you need at that moment. Don’t feel like you have to have the right answers or that you even need to say anything. I know the right answers; I just need to know that it’s OK for me to feel the way I do.
You all are a huge part of my life and I am so thankful that I have people that can allow me to work through all this without feeling like I have to hide my feelings. I will need prayer and I am not good at asking for that. So as you think of it, please keep me, my sisters and my dad in your prayers. We need them and we need healing that only the Lord can bring. Thank you for loving me and my family so well.

Lisa

The Holidays 2010

This is a letter sent by Debra to her friends.

Hello All,

As most of you know, these next couple of weeks I am attending a Grief Share Class which is focusing on Surviving the Holidays. I know, as my friends who love and care for me, you can understand what a difficult period this will be for me and my family. In the class they suggested I write a letter to family and friends to express what I’m suffering from and what to expect so you have a clear understanding on how to react to me.
Let me start by explaining what Christmas is going to be for me this year. Mom and I always picked a couple of families every year to buy Christmas for. We always took the mother of this family shopping for her family and also supplied her with a couple of gifts. We have done this together since I can remember. This year Dad has chosen the families, which is great, but I will be taking the family alone. This was always a great day for Mom and me. We had lunch and shopped til we dropped and it was so much fun and filled with a great feeling of blessedness as we blessed others. It hurts my heart that she won’t be with me this year and brings a sense of dread instead of excitement. This truly was Mom’s favorite part of Christmas. She LOVED giving to others. It filled her with such joy. I am so sad that I won’t be experiencing this with her ever again. But, I will honor her and carry on her work; it’s just going to be difficult this year.
If you knew my mother, you knew that she was Mrs. Christmas. She has always had the most beautifully decorated house. Everything on her tree was hand made by her or my grandma. My entire life Mom has made Christmas beautiful for us. Mom’s home became more festive and elegant as the years passed. Even as an adult I felt that was my true home at Christmas and LOVED all she did. This year the house will be empty of Christmas. It is too difficult and painful for Dad to put up Christmas. There will be no tree, no lights, no angels and Santas everywhere. One nativity set will go up and maybe her handmade stockings but that is all. No lights outside and no annoying loud Santa face saying “ho, ho, ho” as we walk through the garage door. This year it is just too hard for Dad and I understand and respect that. For me, it’s like losing Mom all over again. Christmas was such a large piece of her and my memory of her and this year I will be void of most of it.
Which brings me to you all: Please know there are really no words or actions you can do to make this less painful. The loss of Mom still weighs heavy on my heart and the grief is still profoundly painful. For me, it still feels like yesterday that she died. So please keep praying for me and my family. This is going to be a long journey before the healing. However, I truly feel the prayers and the Comfort and Peace only My Savior can give. I need no profound words of Mom being in heaven and singing and rejoicing for Christmas this year. This I know and believe but it still hurts not having her with me here on earth. I need no speeches about faith and time healing all things or she’s in a better place. I simply need your prayers, your patients and your understanding. My help and my hope comes from the Lord. This I know. Please feel free to ask about Mom and how I’m doing. Please feel free to allow me to talk with you about her and PLEASE feel free to celebrate this holiday alongside me. Just know I will have these rolling waves of grief and when I cry it’s ok. A hug and your love is all I need. Thanks for all you love and prayers. God is Good all the time, even in my suffering. My assurance comes knowing I will see Mom again. Thank you for letting me share this now very long note to ya’ll.
Happy Holidays
Love, Debra