Lisa' Letter

Dear Friends and Family,

I was given a task by my sister to write about how this holiday season will look for me in light of the loss of my mom. In Grief Share she was encouraged to write a letter to those who love her to allow them to see a bit of her heart and struggle during this time of the year. After reading hers and praying through what that looked like for me, I conceded and decided it might be useful for you all to know what I am feeling during this time and how best to love me in this.
The Thanksgiving/Christmas season has always been one that our family has looked forward to with great anticipation. Our house was always full of people and decked out in the finest Christmas decorations. To me it meant spending time with the people that loved me the most and believing that I had been blessed beyond belief with the incredible family that the Lord had given me. My mom played a huge part of that. She had a heart for others and many times we had people sitting around our table that needed a place to feel loved during the holidays or she would load up the van and deliver Christmas to a family that would not otherwise have Christmas. This year our Christmas will be missing that. She isn’t here to load up the van or invite others in. Her house will be devoid of Christmas decorations because it is way too difficult to my dad and Deb to pull them out and put them up.
The void I feel is huge. I can hardly make it through a day without falling apart because I miss her so much. I can be driving down the street and suddenly in tears because I have seen something that has reminded me of her or I have heard a song on the radio that reminds me of her. The void will be much greater during this Christmas season. While I know Christmas is about the birth of my Savior, it has always been the holiday that reminds me most of my mom. I feel numb and cannot seem to find the joy for Christmas that I have had during the past 40 years. I know that that joy will return someday, but for now I have such great sorrow. This is a loss that I won’t get over quickly and I need you to know that I may need to just be sad this season. So many of you have prayed for our family and I ask that you continue, especially during this time. However, I ask that you just allow me to be sad. Don’t feel like you need to cheer me up or not ask how I am, for fear of my answer. I will be OK, because I know that my true joy comes from the Lord, but I need to grieve this loss and feel these emotions. I may need a bit more patience and perhaps a hug. I may not be as attentive to your needs during this time and it is not because I do not care or love you. It is because it is all I can do to make it through the day without falling apart because of the pain of my loss and I just can’t give you what you need at that moment. Don’t feel like you have to have the right answers or that you even need to say anything. I know the right answers; I just need to know that it’s OK for me to feel the way I do.
You all are a huge part of my life and I am so thankful that I have people that can allow me to work through all this without feeling like I have to hide my feelings. I will need prayer and I am not good at asking for that. So as you think of it, please keep me, my sisters and my dad in your prayers. We need them and we need healing that only the Lord can bring. Thank you for loving me and my family so well.

Lisa