A hard week

It has been quite awhile since I posted or wrote anything on the this blog, but I thought it might be beneficial to write about my week. For some reason writing is a great way to express how I feel and I am hoping that by reading it you all will experience the Lord in ways that I have this week.
It has been 6 months since mom died. If you had asked me when she died how I would be doing 6 months from now, I would have told you that I expect to be healing and moving on with my life, although I would still be missing her terribly. Oh how I wish that were true. The depth of my sorrow this week was as great as the day she died. I am not sure what has led to that, but I am just considering that is what they call a "grief moment" that lasted all week. The interesting thing is that in talking to Deb and Dad they too had a grief week. We all miss her terribly and the void that was once filled by her laughter is expansive.
Grief is an interesting thing. No one told me that there is a physical side to the pain of grief. I've experienced grief before, but never to the depth that I have in the past year. I find myself feeling the effects of grief physically and wondering how that is possible. I now have a deeper understanding of the grief that the Lord had when He gave up His only Son to take my place on the cross. Oh the grief He must have felt. This brings me such comfort in the midst of my grief. God cared enough to feel the grief of His son dying for me, and He is the same today as he was then. He isn't going to leave me alone in this to carry the grief that I fight each day.
I have learned that when things got tough in my life the first person I would call was my mom. She was my counselor, my adviser and my best friend. I don't have that anymore. The Lord is teaching me that He is enough and that I can run to Him. It's been a hard lesson to learn for one so proud as me, yet God is gracious. He is merciful and sustains me everyday. I am in no way saying that He took my mom so that I could learn to rely on Him, but that He is teaching me that in this difficulty I can rely on Him. I am learning that instead of reaching for the phone I am reaching to the Lord. He is enough and He will carry me through.
It was a hard week, but I am thankful for the lessons that he teaches me in the midst of a hard week. I am what Kristi so affectionately calls "a hot mess" but it's OK. I sit under the protection of a God who is mightier than a hard week. I know there will be more to come, but I am thankful that I have a God that never changes and that will carry me through. My favorite Psalm was brought back to me this week as I read through scripture;
Psalm 121: "I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of the heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip- he who watches over Israel will not slumber; Indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you- the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from harm- he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forever more!"
Praise God!

CHRISTMAS 2010

Scott/Erickson/Haugen Christmas Prayer
December 25, 2010

Father, you have blessed this family liberally. In the past you have enriched our lives with health, wealth, love and peace that passes all understanding. This year we saw health fail for Janice/Mom/Grandma, and wealth is never assured. But love and peace can never be taken from us because they are eternal and come from the One whose entrance into our world we celebrate today. It is that Love which brings us together and that Peace which assures us that Mom is more than okay in Your presence. Because You entered our world and suffered all that we suffer and more; because You shed the blood required for sin, we have assurance that we are a family that will be together forever. “And so we concentrate not on the things which are seen, but the things which are unseen; for the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are unseen are eternal.” ( II Cor 4:18) We give You our lives and thank you for every day of good health You allow. We give You our hearts and permission to guide our lives according to Your will; not ours. We give You our thanks and ask for Your protection from the grief that sometimes sweeps over us and threatens to disable us. We give You our praise because You are the Eternal King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Christmas is about You. Thank you for all You give us, including the food we are about to eat. Finally we lift up those who are suffering in so many ways in so many parts of this world, including many who are very close to us. May they find the peace You have given us. Praise you for the Hope that is in the baby in the manger and the man on the cross by whom death is defeated.
In the name of the babe in the manger….. Jesus ….. Amen

Jennifer's Letter

My pseudo sister, Debra, is currently in a “Surviving the Holidays” Grief Share class and on her prompting I am writing this letter to my friends and family to help you understand where I may be coming from during this holiday season.

As I have been on the perimeter of this great loss, many of you may not fully understand the depth of sadness I feel and why. Janice was not only my absolute best friend and person I turned to for advice but she was my Bakersfield Mom. In her eyes (and mine) I was family and I never felt anything less. She incorporated my family into every holiday and every day get together as if we were her very own. I would enjoy watching her give to others, knowing she was training me for the same. Thus as this first Thanksgiving/Christmas season without her is upon us, I find it difficult to feel joy. While I understand the true meaning of the season is the birth of our glorious Savior, the everyday joy is truly hard to feel. There is a big hole this holiday season. I don’t really feel like singing or celebrating or setting up the tree or decorating or even pretending to be excited. Most days I feel like crying (and I do) because a huge part of my life is missing. I cry for my pseudo family: Debra, Lisa, Kristi and Dad (and their families) the most, but I also cry for my children and myself and the deep loss that we feel. While I may not feel like singing and celebrating, you will see me moving forward attempting to find and remember the joy that Janice found in the season primarily for my children. However, please know that if you see me down or even with tears in my eyes, I really don’t need your words that she is in a better place or I will see her again - I already know - I just need your understanding, your continued prayers for the Scott family and maybe if you think about it for mine, and a hug or two along the way. Thank you for being there and understanding.

Jennifer

Lisa' Letter

Dear Friends and Family,

I was given a task by my sister to write about how this holiday season will look for me in light of the loss of my mom. In Grief Share she was encouraged to write a letter to those who love her to allow them to see a bit of her heart and struggle during this time of the year. After reading hers and praying through what that looked like for me, I conceded and decided it might be useful for you all to know what I am feeling during this time and how best to love me in this.
The Thanksgiving/Christmas season has always been one that our family has looked forward to with great anticipation. Our house was always full of people and decked out in the finest Christmas decorations. To me it meant spending time with the people that loved me the most and believing that I had been blessed beyond belief with the incredible family that the Lord had given me. My mom played a huge part of that. She had a heart for others and many times we had people sitting around our table that needed a place to feel loved during the holidays or she would load up the van and deliver Christmas to a family that would not otherwise have Christmas. This year our Christmas will be missing that. She isn’t here to load up the van or invite others in. Her house will be devoid of Christmas decorations because it is way too difficult to my dad and Deb to pull them out and put them up.
The void I feel is huge. I can hardly make it through a day without falling apart because I miss her so much. I can be driving down the street and suddenly in tears because I have seen something that has reminded me of her or I have heard a song on the radio that reminds me of her. The void will be much greater during this Christmas season. While I know Christmas is about the birth of my Savior, it has always been the holiday that reminds me most of my mom. I feel numb and cannot seem to find the joy for Christmas that I have had during the past 40 years. I know that that joy will return someday, but for now I have such great sorrow. This is a loss that I won’t get over quickly and I need you to know that I may need to just be sad this season. So many of you have prayed for our family and I ask that you continue, especially during this time. However, I ask that you just allow me to be sad. Don’t feel like you need to cheer me up or not ask how I am, for fear of my answer. I will be OK, because I know that my true joy comes from the Lord, but I need to grieve this loss and feel these emotions. I may need a bit more patience and perhaps a hug. I may not be as attentive to your needs during this time and it is not because I do not care or love you. It is because it is all I can do to make it through the day without falling apart because of the pain of my loss and I just can’t give you what you need at that moment. Don’t feel like you have to have the right answers or that you even need to say anything. I know the right answers; I just need to know that it’s OK for me to feel the way I do.
You all are a huge part of my life and I am so thankful that I have people that can allow me to work through all this without feeling like I have to hide my feelings. I will need prayer and I am not good at asking for that. So as you think of it, please keep me, my sisters and my dad in your prayers. We need them and we need healing that only the Lord can bring. Thank you for loving me and my family so well.

Lisa

The Holidays 2010

This is a letter sent by Debra to her friends.

Hello All,

As most of you know, these next couple of weeks I am attending a Grief Share Class which is focusing on Surviving the Holidays. I know, as my friends who love and care for me, you can understand what a difficult period this will be for me and my family. In the class they suggested I write a letter to family and friends to express what I’m suffering from and what to expect so you have a clear understanding on how to react to me.
Let me start by explaining what Christmas is going to be for me this year. Mom and I always picked a couple of families every year to buy Christmas for. We always took the mother of this family shopping for her family and also supplied her with a couple of gifts. We have done this together since I can remember. This year Dad has chosen the families, which is great, but I will be taking the family alone. This was always a great day for Mom and me. We had lunch and shopped til we dropped and it was so much fun and filled with a great feeling of blessedness as we blessed others. It hurts my heart that she won’t be with me this year and brings a sense of dread instead of excitement. This truly was Mom’s favorite part of Christmas. She LOVED giving to others. It filled her with such joy. I am so sad that I won’t be experiencing this with her ever again. But, I will honor her and carry on her work; it’s just going to be difficult this year.
If you knew my mother, you knew that she was Mrs. Christmas. She has always had the most beautifully decorated house. Everything on her tree was hand made by her or my grandma. My entire life Mom has made Christmas beautiful for us. Mom’s home became more festive and elegant as the years passed. Even as an adult I felt that was my true home at Christmas and LOVED all she did. This year the house will be empty of Christmas. It is too difficult and painful for Dad to put up Christmas. There will be no tree, no lights, no angels and Santas everywhere. One nativity set will go up and maybe her handmade stockings but that is all. No lights outside and no annoying loud Santa face saying “ho, ho, ho” as we walk through the garage door. This year it is just too hard for Dad and I understand and respect that. For me, it’s like losing Mom all over again. Christmas was such a large piece of her and my memory of her and this year I will be void of most of it.
Which brings me to you all: Please know there are really no words or actions you can do to make this less painful. The loss of Mom still weighs heavy on my heart and the grief is still profoundly painful. For me, it still feels like yesterday that she died. So please keep praying for me and my family. This is going to be a long journey before the healing. However, I truly feel the prayers and the Comfort and Peace only My Savior can give. I need no profound words of Mom being in heaven and singing and rejoicing for Christmas this year. This I know and believe but it still hurts not having her with me here on earth. I need no speeches about faith and time healing all things or she’s in a better place. I simply need your prayers, your patients and your understanding. My help and my hope comes from the Lord. This I know. Please feel free to ask about Mom and how I’m doing. Please feel free to allow me to talk with you about her and PLEASE feel free to celebrate this holiday alongside me. Just know I will have these rolling waves of grief and when I cry it’s ok. A hug and your love is all I need. Thanks for all you love and prayers. God is Good all the time, even in my suffering. My assurance comes knowing I will see Mom again. Thank you for letting me share this now very long note to ya’ll.
Happy Holidays
Love, Debra

THREE MONTHS

Another friend at church, Chuck, lost his wife Minnetta, suddenly this weekend. That’s three of us in as many months. I know that Chuck is hurting right now. It’s Halloween, and exactly three months since Janice died. Seems fitting. She hated Halloween. It’s represents everything she was not. Three months is such a short time, yet it seems that she has been gone such a long time. The question that I get continually is, “How are you doing?” The answer most want to hear is that I’m doing fine, and mostly I am. The physical pain (that Chuck is now feeling) left awhile ago and the new normal is becoming more familiar. I have waded through most of the legal things that needed to be dealt with, paid all the funeral expenses, and took a great trip to Texas. Debra and I have spent a lot of time together working through the process, and I hear often from Kristi and Lisa. It actually hasn’t been as difficult as I thought it might be. And then …… then a wave will hit me out of the blue, taking me by surprise and almost knocking me to my knees. It is not even precipitated by anything identifiable; not like the “trigger” the grief books talk about. I am surrounded by a house saturated with Janice, and I’m okay. It’s often a rogue wave that has no reason and isn’t anticipated. To be sure, there are times that I know will be hard; like visiting Shauna at the cancer center, or presenting Celebrate Recovery memorial Bibles to Janice's last Step group. But other times are unpredictable; driving down the freeway, or walking on the treadmill at the gym, or just sitting somewhere. But they are short lived “…and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding…” (Phil.:7) returns.

One of the verses I heard Janice use so much was 2 Cor 4:8-9; “We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed….” I believe that is true of this family. We have been hurt deeply, but we have not been overcome. Debra says that is the covering of prayer from all those who have supported us in so many ways. I believe she is right. We are very thankful for all the people who tell us they are continuing to pray. Please do so; it’s not over yet. We will continue the process and take whatever the Lord brings our way. Without Him there would be no hope. If you know Chuck, give him and his family those same prayers.

Kent

THE DREAM

Hello everyone,
Today's blog entry will be from me, Debra. The first I have ever posted. While, I've been reading the blog, I haven't chosen to put in an entry. Not my thing, I guess. However, Dad asked me to write today and so how can I say "no," especially, because of a powerful answer to his prayer all because of my dream.
First I want to express how heartbreaking and difficult it has been living my life without my mother. There was no one on earth who loved me more and to have that love absent (at least in this world) is deeply missed. However, I feel all the prayers being prayed on my behalf for comfort and peace. The Lord is most assuredly holding me up and answering prayers.
Speaking of answered prayer, this brings me to Dad. Ever since Mom passed I have been having vivid dreams that she is back and alive. I'm so stunned and excited in my dream but then awake to the reality that Mom isn't alive. My mind kept saying to me, "She's dead in the gound!" (perhaps that is what the enemy was saying to me). She cannot be back. The chance for that miracle is gone. We all prayed for that miracle and it was unanswered. I'm then left feeling hopeless and so very sad. I tell Dad when I have these dreams and he seems concerned but knows there is nothing any of us can do. Last night I had another dream. However this dream was different. Yes, it was Mom but not back and alive but from heaven. I was talking with her and asking her questions. The one I specifically remember, I asked if she remembers me or thinks of us or worries about me?" She said, "Know you and remember you here in Heaven, yes! But worry about you, no. " I awoke with that and felt a peace this time. Much different from the other dreams. Like always, I told Dad. He immediatly became teary eyed and showed me an entry he had written in his journal back on Sept 1st. Apparently, Dad(along with all of us) has been very frustrated with the silence of God and the seemingly unanswered prayers. Pastor Kevin told Dad to pray for a specific sign and he truly believed God would do so. So Dad prayed that I would have dream of Mom and know that she was in Heaven and ok. Dad never spoke of this prayer for a sign. He simply prayed it and wrote it in his journal. So today I wondered in and casually mentioned the dream to Dad. Now I know why he immediatly teared. God answered his EXACT prayer and gave him the EXACT sign he asked for. Praise God for He is faithful and good all the time. And OH HOW HE LOVES US!!!!! God Bless everyone. Today I feel very blessed to be the instrument God used for an answered prayer.