A hard week

It has been quite awhile since I posted or wrote anything on the this blog, but I thought it might be beneficial to write about my week. For some reason writing is a great way to express how I feel and I am hoping that by reading it you all will experience the Lord in ways that I have this week.
It has been 6 months since mom died. If you had asked me when she died how I would be doing 6 months from now, I would have told you that I expect to be healing and moving on with my life, although I would still be missing her terribly. Oh how I wish that were true. The depth of my sorrow this week was as great as the day she died. I am not sure what has led to that, but I am just considering that is what they call a "grief moment" that lasted all week. The interesting thing is that in talking to Deb and Dad they too had a grief week. We all miss her terribly and the void that was once filled by her laughter is expansive.
Grief is an interesting thing. No one told me that there is a physical side to the pain of grief. I've experienced grief before, but never to the depth that I have in the past year. I find myself feeling the effects of grief physically and wondering how that is possible. I now have a deeper understanding of the grief that the Lord had when He gave up His only Son to take my place on the cross. Oh the grief He must have felt. This brings me such comfort in the midst of my grief. God cared enough to feel the grief of His son dying for me, and He is the same today as he was then. He isn't going to leave me alone in this to carry the grief that I fight each day.
I have learned that when things got tough in my life the first person I would call was my mom. She was my counselor, my adviser and my best friend. I don't have that anymore. The Lord is teaching me that He is enough and that I can run to Him. It's been a hard lesson to learn for one so proud as me, yet God is gracious. He is merciful and sustains me everyday. I am in no way saying that He took my mom so that I could learn to rely on Him, but that He is teaching me that in this difficulty I can rely on Him. I am learning that instead of reaching for the phone I am reaching to the Lord. He is enough and He will carry me through.
It was a hard week, but I am thankful for the lessons that he teaches me in the midst of a hard week. I am what Kristi so affectionately calls "a hot mess" but it's OK. I sit under the protection of a God who is mightier than a hard week. I know there will be more to come, but I am thankful that I have a God that never changes and that will carry me through. My favorite Psalm was brought back to me this week as I read through scripture;
Psalm 121: "I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of the heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip- he who watches over Israel will not slumber; Indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you- the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from harm- he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forever more!"
Praise God!