CHRISTMAS 2010

Scott/Erickson/Haugen Christmas Prayer
December 25, 2010

Father, you have blessed this family liberally. In the past you have enriched our lives with health, wealth, love and peace that passes all understanding. This year we saw health fail for Janice/Mom/Grandma, and wealth is never assured. But love and peace can never be taken from us because they are eternal and come from the One whose entrance into our world we celebrate today. It is that Love which brings us together and that Peace which assures us that Mom is more than okay in Your presence. Because You entered our world and suffered all that we suffer and more; because You shed the blood required for sin, we have assurance that we are a family that will be together forever. “And so we concentrate not on the things which are seen, but the things which are unseen; for the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are unseen are eternal.” ( II Cor 4:18) We give You our lives and thank you for every day of good health You allow. We give You our hearts and permission to guide our lives according to Your will; not ours. We give You our thanks and ask for Your protection from the grief that sometimes sweeps over us and threatens to disable us. We give You our praise because You are the Eternal King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Christmas is about You. Thank you for all You give us, including the food we are about to eat. Finally we lift up those who are suffering in so many ways in so many parts of this world, including many who are very close to us. May they find the peace You have given us. Praise you for the Hope that is in the baby in the manger and the man on the cross by whom death is defeated.
In the name of the babe in the manger….. Jesus ….. Amen

Jennifer's Letter

My pseudo sister, Debra, is currently in a “Surviving the Holidays” Grief Share class and on her prompting I am writing this letter to my friends and family to help you understand where I may be coming from during this holiday season.

As I have been on the perimeter of this great loss, many of you may not fully understand the depth of sadness I feel and why. Janice was not only my absolute best friend and person I turned to for advice but she was my Bakersfield Mom. In her eyes (and mine) I was family and I never felt anything less. She incorporated my family into every holiday and every day get together as if we were her very own. I would enjoy watching her give to others, knowing she was training me for the same. Thus as this first Thanksgiving/Christmas season without her is upon us, I find it difficult to feel joy. While I understand the true meaning of the season is the birth of our glorious Savior, the everyday joy is truly hard to feel. There is a big hole this holiday season. I don’t really feel like singing or celebrating or setting up the tree or decorating or even pretending to be excited. Most days I feel like crying (and I do) because a huge part of my life is missing. I cry for my pseudo family: Debra, Lisa, Kristi and Dad (and their families) the most, but I also cry for my children and myself and the deep loss that we feel. While I may not feel like singing and celebrating, you will see me moving forward attempting to find and remember the joy that Janice found in the season primarily for my children. However, please know that if you see me down or even with tears in my eyes, I really don’t need your words that she is in a better place or I will see her again - I already know - I just need your understanding, your continued prayers for the Scott family and maybe if you think about it for mine, and a hug or two along the way. Thank you for being there and understanding.

Jennifer

Lisa' Letter

Dear Friends and Family,

I was given a task by my sister to write about how this holiday season will look for me in light of the loss of my mom. In Grief Share she was encouraged to write a letter to those who love her to allow them to see a bit of her heart and struggle during this time of the year. After reading hers and praying through what that looked like for me, I conceded and decided it might be useful for you all to know what I am feeling during this time and how best to love me in this.
The Thanksgiving/Christmas season has always been one that our family has looked forward to with great anticipation. Our house was always full of people and decked out in the finest Christmas decorations. To me it meant spending time with the people that loved me the most and believing that I had been blessed beyond belief with the incredible family that the Lord had given me. My mom played a huge part of that. She had a heart for others and many times we had people sitting around our table that needed a place to feel loved during the holidays or she would load up the van and deliver Christmas to a family that would not otherwise have Christmas. This year our Christmas will be missing that. She isn’t here to load up the van or invite others in. Her house will be devoid of Christmas decorations because it is way too difficult to my dad and Deb to pull them out and put them up.
The void I feel is huge. I can hardly make it through a day without falling apart because I miss her so much. I can be driving down the street and suddenly in tears because I have seen something that has reminded me of her or I have heard a song on the radio that reminds me of her. The void will be much greater during this Christmas season. While I know Christmas is about the birth of my Savior, it has always been the holiday that reminds me most of my mom. I feel numb and cannot seem to find the joy for Christmas that I have had during the past 40 years. I know that that joy will return someday, but for now I have such great sorrow. This is a loss that I won’t get over quickly and I need you to know that I may need to just be sad this season. So many of you have prayed for our family and I ask that you continue, especially during this time. However, I ask that you just allow me to be sad. Don’t feel like you need to cheer me up or not ask how I am, for fear of my answer. I will be OK, because I know that my true joy comes from the Lord, but I need to grieve this loss and feel these emotions. I may need a bit more patience and perhaps a hug. I may not be as attentive to your needs during this time and it is not because I do not care or love you. It is because it is all I can do to make it through the day without falling apart because of the pain of my loss and I just can’t give you what you need at that moment. Don’t feel like you have to have the right answers or that you even need to say anything. I know the right answers; I just need to know that it’s OK for me to feel the way I do.
You all are a huge part of my life and I am so thankful that I have people that can allow me to work through all this without feeling like I have to hide my feelings. I will need prayer and I am not good at asking for that. So as you think of it, please keep me, my sisters and my dad in your prayers. We need them and we need healing that only the Lord can bring. Thank you for loving me and my family so well.

Lisa

The Holidays 2010

This is a letter sent by Debra to her friends.

Hello All,

As most of you know, these next couple of weeks I am attending a Grief Share Class which is focusing on Surviving the Holidays. I know, as my friends who love and care for me, you can understand what a difficult period this will be for me and my family. In the class they suggested I write a letter to family and friends to express what I’m suffering from and what to expect so you have a clear understanding on how to react to me.
Let me start by explaining what Christmas is going to be for me this year. Mom and I always picked a couple of families every year to buy Christmas for. We always took the mother of this family shopping for her family and also supplied her with a couple of gifts. We have done this together since I can remember. This year Dad has chosen the families, which is great, but I will be taking the family alone. This was always a great day for Mom and me. We had lunch and shopped til we dropped and it was so much fun and filled with a great feeling of blessedness as we blessed others. It hurts my heart that she won’t be with me this year and brings a sense of dread instead of excitement. This truly was Mom’s favorite part of Christmas. She LOVED giving to others. It filled her with such joy. I am so sad that I won’t be experiencing this with her ever again. But, I will honor her and carry on her work; it’s just going to be difficult this year.
If you knew my mother, you knew that she was Mrs. Christmas. She has always had the most beautifully decorated house. Everything on her tree was hand made by her or my grandma. My entire life Mom has made Christmas beautiful for us. Mom’s home became more festive and elegant as the years passed. Even as an adult I felt that was my true home at Christmas and LOVED all she did. This year the house will be empty of Christmas. It is too difficult and painful for Dad to put up Christmas. There will be no tree, no lights, no angels and Santas everywhere. One nativity set will go up and maybe her handmade stockings but that is all. No lights outside and no annoying loud Santa face saying “ho, ho, ho” as we walk through the garage door. This year it is just too hard for Dad and I understand and respect that. For me, it’s like losing Mom all over again. Christmas was such a large piece of her and my memory of her and this year I will be void of most of it.
Which brings me to you all: Please know there are really no words or actions you can do to make this less painful. The loss of Mom still weighs heavy on my heart and the grief is still profoundly painful. For me, it still feels like yesterday that she died. So please keep praying for me and my family. This is going to be a long journey before the healing. However, I truly feel the prayers and the Comfort and Peace only My Savior can give. I need no profound words of Mom being in heaven and singing and rejoicing for Christmas this year. This I know and believe but it still hurts not having her with me here on earth. I need no speeches about faith and time healing all things or she’s in a better place. I simply need your prayers, your patients and your understanding. My help and my hope comes from the Lord. This I know. Please feel free to ask about Mom and how I’m doing. Please feel free to allow me to talk with you about her and PLEASE feel free to celebrate this holiday alongside me. Just know I will have these rolling waves of grief and when I cry it’s ok. A hug and your love is all I need. Thanks for all you love and prayers. God is Good all the time, even in my suffering. My assurance comes knowing I will see Mom again. Thank you for letting me share this now very long note to ya’ll.
Happy Holidays
Love, Debra

THREE MONTHS

Another friend at church, Chuck, lost his wife Minnetta, suddenly this weekend. That’s three of us in as many months. I know that Chuck is hurting right now. It’s Halloween, and exactly three months since Janice died. Seems fitting. She hated Halloween. It’s represents everything she was not. Three months is such a short time, yet it seems that she has been gone such a long time. The question that I get continually is, “How are you doing?” The answer most want to hear is that I’m doing fine, and mostly I am. The physical pain (that Chuck is now feeling) left awhile ago and the new normal is becoming more familiar. I have waded through most of the legal things that needed to be dealt with, paid all the funeral expenses, and took a great trip to Texas. Debra and I have spent a lot of time together working through the process, and I hear often from Kristi and Lisa. It actually hasn’t been as difficult as I thought it might be. And then …… then a wave will hit me out of the blue, taking me by surprise and almost knocking me to my knees. It is not even precipitated by anything identifiable; not like the “trigger” the grief books talk about. I am surrounded by a house saturated with Janice, and I’m okay. It’s often a rogue wave that has no reason and isn’t anticipated. To be sure, there are times that I know will be hard; like visiting Shauna at the cancer center, or presenting Celebrate Recovery memorial Bibles to Janice's last Step group. But other times are unpredictable; driving down the freeway, or walking on the treadmill at the gym, or just sitting somewhere. But they are short lived “…and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding…” (Phil.:7) returns.

One of the verses I heard Janice use so much was 2 Cor 4:8-9; “We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed….” I believe that is true of this family. We have been hurt deeply, but we have not been overcome. Debra says that is the covering of prayer from all those who have supported us in so many ways. I believe she is right. We are very thankful for all the people who tell us they are continuing to pray. Please do so; it’s not over yet. We will continue the process and take whatever the Lord brings our way. Without Him there would be no hope. If you know Chuck, give him and his family those same prayers.

Kent

THE DREAM

Hello everyone,
Today's blog entry will be from me, Debra. The first I have ever posted. While, I've been reading the blog, I haven't chosen to put in an entry. Not my thing, I guess. However, Dad asked me to write today and so how can I say "no," especially, because of a powerful answer to his prayer all because of my dream.
First I want to express how heartbreaking and difficult it has been living my life without my mother. There was no one on earth who loved me more and to have that love absent (at least in this world) is deeply missed. However, I feel all the prayers being prayed on my behalf for comfort and peace. The Lord is most assuredly holding me up and answering prayers.
Speaking of answered prayer, this brings me to Dad. Ever since Mom passed I have been having vivid dreams that she is back and alive. I'm so stunned and excited in my dream but then awake to the reality that Mom isn't alive. My mind kept saying to me, "She's dead in the gound!" (perhaps that is what the enemy was saying to me). She cannot be back. The chance for that miracle is gone. We all prayed for that miracle and it was unanswered. I'm then left feeling hopeless and so very sad. I tell Dad when I have these dreams and he seems concerned but knows there is nothing any of us can do. Last night I had another dream. However this dream was different. Yes, it was Mom but not back and alive but from heaven. I was talking with her and asking her questions. The one I specifically remember, I asked if she remembers me or thinks of us or worries about me?" She said, "Know you and remember you here in Heaven, yes! But worry about you, no. " I awoke with that and felt a peace this time. Much different from the other dreams. Like always, I told Dad. He immediatly became teary eyed and showed me an entry he had written in his journal back on Sept 1st. Apparently, Dad(along with all of us) has been very frustrated with the silence of God and the seemingly unanswered prayers. Pastor Kevin told Dad to pray for a specific sign and he truly believed God would do so. So Dad prayed that I would have dream of Mom and know that she was in Heaven and ok. Dad never spoke of this prayer for a sign. He simply prayed it and wrote it in his journal. So today I wondered in and casually mentioned the dream to Dad. Now I know why he immediatly teared. God answered his EXACT prayer and gave him the EXACT sign he asked for. Praise God for He is faithful and good all the time. And OH HOW HE LOVES US!!!!! God Bless everyone. Today I feel very blessed to be the instrument God used for an answered prayer.

Eulogies

It has been a month now. The physical hurt has eased a bit, but the hole in our stomachs remains, and, as Lisa said, it will for a very long time. We are, in fact, maintaining with the help of our Lord and a lot of people still praying for us. We will make it through, but there's still a lot of rough sailing ahead.

I have learned that we have some new readers of the blog, and many of you were unable to attend the funeral, so I'm going to post the eulogies we, her family, gave at the service. Unfortunately, Debra's was written in long hand, so I don't have it. But below are the rest of us, including Kelly, our foster daughter who represented all the suto-daughters.

Kristi:
On behalf of my family, we would like to thank everyone who has come today to remember my Mother and her life. My mom would be humbled by the amount of love and adoration given to her today

When I thought about what to say on behalf of myself and my family, my mind surfed through so many beautiful memories. I saw the time she came to my home after my son Scotty was born and the relief I felt knowing she was there with me. I remembered our back and forth banter shared as she sat in her chair watching home shows, cops shows or America’s Top Chef. I heard her unique and wonderful laugh. When I was about 17 we went on a family sky trip to Montana As we stood at the bottom of the slope waiting for my Dad, she began talking to a woman who was standing beside us telling her how great a skier my father was. As she sang his praises, a giant snowball, which turned out to be my father, came rolling down the hill and landed right in front of us. I don’t remember if she admitted if it was my Dad or not but her laughter rang out for everyone to hear. I will so miss that sound.

Debbie asked me a little over a week ago to identify the legacy Mom has left for me. What a difficult question. As I grappled with my memories and emotions, her life came down to one thing for me….. a life of faithfulness. When money was tight, there was never conflict because the Lord provided. When conflicts between family members, friends or neighbors arose, there was never bitterness or grudges formed. When my grandmother Corynne passed away, I watched my own mother lean upon our Lord in faithfulness. My sisters and I can each remember our own individual moments with mom when she gently brought us back onto the road so sadly traveled by few. Her love for the Lord was unfailing and my Dad can attest to her amazing growth over the past two years that prepared her for this journey. The week she was in the hospital, I found a picture in her journal she had drawn. It was her laying face down in our Lord’s hand. I believe this was the way she viewed her life as she moved through her joys and heartaches.

I leave you this Proverbs 31:26-31. Many of you know it as the Epilogue written by a King who received wise teachings from his own mother.

I love you Mom.


Lisa:
Let me start with this verse: I John 4:11-12 “Dear friends, since God so loved us, we ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

This verse is a great representation of the way my mom lived her life. She was a great reminder to me and so many others that we ought to love all people. I have seen my mom loving people my entire life. It didn’t matter the social status of a person. She could love a socialite, as well as a homeless drug addict on the street. Her love for people was never partial. This was not of my mom’s own power but rather because of the love that she had for the Lord. It was the Lord that helped her to love all. It was because of Him that she loved. Her love for those that seemed unlovable is the thing that I most admired in her. Whether it was a student that nobody wanted in their classroom or a young lady that most had given up on, she loved them all.
She and dad have passed this type of love on to each of their daughters. We have had an incredible example of what it means to love people. She underlined this statement in her devotion, “God’s love to me is inexhaustible, and I must love others from the bedrock of God’s love to me”. She was a faithful example of this. Was it always easy to love others? NO, but that did not stop her from doing it. I never doubted how much she loved me nor did I doubt her love for others. I am proud to be her daughter and thankful that she taught me to love Christ first and then extend that love to others.

Kelly:
Well, I was the first of many to come. I came to live with Kent and Janice and three very young girls, when I was a young teenager in 1975. I recall being very scared as Kent brought me home; Janice didn’t have a clue that he would not be coming home alone. I had so many things going through my head, strongest being what the heck she would be thinking as he walked in the door with this shaggy troubled young girl. Rejection was a regular thing to me in those days, so I was prepared for an unwelcome introduction and another trip down the road. What I found was this most amazing woman who welcomed me with open arms. Life was tough and very scary for me in those days and I recall the many late night talks Janice and I had, most of them tear filled and emotional, we would sit in the middle of room on the floor to talk to cry to laugh and to pray. She spent countless nights praying and talking with me, I know many times she went to bed frustrated and praying for guidance to get through to me. I challenged her many times in the beginning as I just knew if I messed up enough they would send me down the road and I could survive this experience with the least amount of pain possible. But that was not to happen. She informed me that I was hers and I was there to stay and no amount of messing up would get me sent down the road. With continued persistence and prayer she reached me, she showed me a mother’s unconditional love, with her love and support I was able to grow into a secure woman that loves the lord. Many many times over the past years I have thanked her for all she had done for me, never one time did she accept credit for any of it, she always praised our lord and gave all the credit to him. So to all the pseudo daughters that followed I am proud to say I was the first and I must not have been too bad as she continued to reach out and change the lives of many young women over the past 35 plus years, and to my momma Janice, I love you and I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life and thank you to our Lord Jesus Christ for bringing you into my life.


Kent:
I wrote this on Aug. 1, 2010, the morning after the Lord took Janice with Him. It was written after the last page she wrote in her last journal.

My beloved Janice, may I borrow a page in your journal to express how much I love that you loved your Lord and how important it is to me today that you were completely dependent upon and trusting of your Jesus? Yesterday you left me and it broke my heart. But I can’t even imagine what your life is like this morning.
“Eye has not seen nor ear heard,
Nor have entered into the heart of man
The things which God has prepared for those who love Him.”
(1 Cor 2:9)

And love Him you did. I have watched you in your big recliner for the past two years as you grew closer and closer to Him. You said He was preparing you for something. Now we know what that was. He drug you through the mud as He broke my heart watching you. But He knew my heart needed broken in order to break my pride. I’m so sorry it took your suffering to do that. I am no longer ashamed of my tears, and they are profuse for you.

This morning I read James 2:1
“My brethren, do not hold the faith of our Lord of Glory, with partiality.”
That verse is so exemplified in you. You had such love for those who are hurting and struggling. You loved your Celebrate Recovery girls. You loved Christmas because it gave you an opportunity to give gifts to those who wouldn’t get any. It is God’s money and you loved giving it to those He loves. If someone says “you are amazing”, you would say, “No, I have an amazing God.” If anyone wants to honor you I know you would say, “Honor my Savior.” If anyone wants to emulate you I know you would say, “Only emulate my love and dependence upon my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.” But I am so thankful you are in His presence this morning. No more chemo, no more sickness, no more weakness. Will we make it? Of course, because you taught us to place our dependence upon Him only. We are hurting badly, but we don’t grieve as “…others who have no hope.” (1 Thes 4:13) You are His and so are we.

Yesterday, as you were escorted into His presence, there is no doubt you heard,
“Well done, good and faithful servant; you have been faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your Lord.” (Matt 25:23)
And I can visualize your great joy as you offered your rewards back to Jesus, your great God.

Thank you for the great run we had Babe. You and I know that you were far from perfect, but we’ll save those stories for another day. I was always amazed that someone as beautiful as you, the Military Ball Queen of Williston, ND, would spend her life with me. I thought I loved you more than anyone else could. But there is One who loves you with an even greater love. I’ll see you both soon. Perhaps sooner than we think.

I miss her

It has been almost 3 weeks since my mom joined Jesus in heaven, yet it still feels like yesterday. I am now home and doing my daily duties of being a mom, wife, and minister of the Gospel, yet there is the ache in my heart every day. People will ask how I am doing and I hesitate to tell them. Do they really want to know that I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down and I can hardly get through the next hour without tears of sorrow? Maybe they do, but most of the time my answer is "I am maintaining". What does maintaining look like? It means getting up each morning and going about the duties of my day. It means loving my kids amid the hurt in my heart. It means being a wife to Jerrel when all I really want to do is curl up in my bed and cry.
The Lord has been so good to give me the strength to get up each day. When I was in Bakersfield with my dad we would pray each morning that God would give us strength for today. I continue that prayer now that I am here in Buena Park. So often I have said to others that "God never gives us more than we can't handle". I really believed those words when I said them, until 3 weeks ago. I questioned whether I was going to be able to handle this. I questioned why God would allow the hurt of losing my mom in my life and in the life of so many others. I just plain questioned God! "Why" was an ever present word in my prayer life. I have begun to realize that "why" is not a bad word in our prayer life, but that it is an important step into understanding who God is. If I never questioned God and just accepted Him because of what others had told me, I would never have a clear understanding of his character and how that affects my life. I have used this time to help better understand the character of God and how He is using this hurt to pull me closer to Him rather than push me away from him. My mom has been my rock for so long, that I forgot what Rock I really needed to stand on. Am I saying that God brought my mom home so that I would learn that lesson...NO, but I am learning that the one consistent thing in all of this is God's grace and strength. He gives me strength for today and I am grateful for that. The pain remains and probably will for a very long time, but praise God that he is my ever present help. Praise God that I have the Hope of heaven. Praise God that my dad and sisters know the Rock and can stand on it during this.
I miss her every single minute of my day, yet I stand firm on the truth of who God is in my life. I know the hurt will be here for a very long time, and I trust that God is going to take care of that hurt in his timing.
I leave you with the verse that I am clinging to in all this.
Psalm 18:2
"The Lord is my rock and my fortress, and my deliverer,
my God, my rock in whom I take refuge, my shield,
and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."

Lisa

The Empty Chair

This chair remains empty now. Oh, people come and sit in it for awhile and reminisce about its former occupant. And if you’re really special Lupe might sit with you for awhile. But Lupe knows that the chair is empty now no matter who sits in it. For thirty years Janice ruled her world from this chair or one of its predecessors. If you were a high school kid in Williston, North Dakota, during the 70’s and 80’s you knew she would be sitting in her big blue chair in front of the big bay window surveying her world and probably knew all about yours as well. You knew that if you really wanted to talk you could stop in and sit at the foot of that big chair and pour your heart out. If you were worried about breaking a confidence, you would find she probably already knew. But if you told her in confidence you also knew she would never break it. She raised three beautiful daughters, one foster daughter and several suto-daughters from that big blue chair; even a couple of wayward sons, John and Rich. Then one day that chair moved to a most unlikely place, California.

What would a small town North Dakota girl do in Bakersfield, California? Debra said, “Let’s go to school.” The big chair became a study hall and in three years Janice was a teacher. Along the way there was an African-American welfare mother with three kids that came to share that chair and she also got a degree. When I said, “What are you thinking?”; she said, "but they don’t have a home". There were others; most notably Jennifer and Joshua. She graded papers for twelve years in that chair. I was always so proud of her for having no desire to teach anywhere except her beloved Fremont Elementary, a school in a very rough barrio. No one was more of an advocate for the struggling kid than the lady in the chair. When she retired after two years of watching me wave good-bye to her from the driveway with a cup of coffee in my hand, she began a deeper study of scripture sitting in that chair. But when it came time, she got out of that chair to apply what she was learning. She responded to an invitation to be involved with a Christian twelve step program, Celebrate Recovery. What did she know about hurts, habits and hang ups? She knew more than most of you will ever know. She loved her CR girls; and she cut them no slack; and they loved her. She rose up from that chair to go to China three times to love and teach kids who had been uprooted from comfortable homes into a strange foreign culture. It was difficult for her to leave the comforts of the big chair to travel across the world the first time. But she did it and loved it because she loved the people. Finally, the big chair was a refuge from the chemo that so cruelly racked her body. It was a place to rest and a place to heal.

The chair is empty now and will forever be. It hurts; it hurts a lot. It will for a long time. Not only for me, but all of our family and many close friends, But the chair is empty because she doesn’t need it. “We are confident , yes well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord.” (2 Cor 5:8) So, don’t look for Janice in the big recliner anymore. Look to our Lord and God, Jesus the Christ. You’ll find her in His presence. Someday we will be as well. That’s why this is bearable. “Behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation.” (2 Cor 6:9)

Kent

Good-byes 08/11/2010

The journey is finished, or perhaps it has just begun. There are struggles that we are dealing with that we know are not uncommon. I have questions. If God heals, and I know He does, why didn’t He heal Janice? As we began to realize that the end was here I asked that He take her Himself so that we would not have to make the decision to stop the life support. Was it too much to ask that He just stop her heart and take her home? I have heard of people who have opened their eyes at the last moment and talked about the angels in the room and how they peacefully stepped away with those angels. What a great sign that would have been and what assurance that it’s really real. But God didn’t do any of that. Rather, we had to make the decision to stop the life support. She never regained any kind of consciousness, and I was almost out of my mind by the time she took the last breath. I thought there had been some hard things in my life before, but nothing came close to this. The enemy often tries to drag that scene back into my mind and use it to destroy me. But here’s the good part; he’s not been successful, and he will never be. “Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world.” (1 Jn 4:4b) And here’s another good thing. My whole family and a few good friends were in that ICU room. Before we turned the machines off we prayed over her, and the nurse who was responsible for the procedure joined hands and prayed with us. We prayed not only for Janice and ourselves, we prayed for Jason, our great nurse. Then, as the process started, we sang several of her favorite hymns and praise songs. Later, one of the nurses told us we could be heard all over ICU, and that people thought we had brought in professionals. Good thing my daughter and son-in-law carried us with their good voices or they may have kicked us out. As we were singing, I looked over and Jason, our nurse, was singing with us as he was turning off machines. So Janice left this earth with some very questionable voices doing the best we could, into the sound of heavenly voices beyond anything heard on earth. What a step that must have been.

So, why didn’t God answer those prayers the way I would have preferred? Why wasn’t she healed, or why wasn’t I given a sign, or why didn't He just take her before we had to turn off the machines? I don’t know. He doesn’t explain Himself. He doesn’t have to. He is God the Creator and we are the created (Isaiah 45:9). He is sovereign and He will do what He wants to bring benefit to Himself. Is that just? He is the definition of justice. Would a loving God do that? “God is love.” (1 Jn 4:8) Then why does He do it?
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways…
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are my ways higher than your ways,
And my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9)
My finite mind cannot understand His infinite ways. And what about just a sign that there really is a life after death? What about all those stories about angels in the room? When the Pharisees asked Jesus for a sign He told them they were wicked and they had the only sign they would get; His resurrection after three days. (Matt 12) And that “…we walk by faith, not by sight.” (2 Cor 5:7) So there you have it. I have a choice to make. I can either believe that God is God and Janice is in His presence, or I can chose to not believe. Sometimes He gives overwhelming evidence; sometimes He doesn’t. Sometimes He physically heals; sometimes He doesn’t. But I have to believe that what He does to bring honor to Himself will always be best for us; whether we think so or not.

Remember the verse in Isaiah 43:1-2, that started this whole journey? As we have walked through some very deep waters, He has been with us. The rivers have risen beyond flood stages, but they haven’t covered us. We have been though the fires near hell, but they haven’t consumed us. Life will never be the same. I will remember her every day of my life. It has changed the way we see the world. I used to be Janice Scott’s husband; now I’m just Kent Scott. But we will find a new normal and we will chose life. And someday, we will walk into His presence and there she will be. To us that may be a while; or maybe not. To Janice, it will only be the blink of an eye and we’ll be there. That is the hope that is in us. Happy Birthday Babe ….. you would have been 65 today. Instead you are in a place where birthdays are meaningless. Right now, so am I.
Kent

She Wins!

Yesterday I lost my mom here on this earth and Jesus received her in heaven. It was definitely the hardest day of my life, yet mingled in the sorrow, was a great hope and peace. As the people that loved her gathered around her bed to say goodbye, we sang hymns. I am sure there were moments in that ICU when others were thinking, "What in the world are they doing?" We were doing the one thing we knew to do, allow my mom pleasure of entering into the streets of Heaven. It seemed fitting to sing songs of praise and worship here on this earth as she was ushered into the presence of the Lord. Can you imagine the singing that she must have heard when she entered Heaven? Oh, how glorious that would be!
Today we have fought back tears and had moments of calm. It struck me today that life goes on for the rest of the world, as we feel ours has stopped for awhile. It's hard to look over at her chair and not see her sitting there, or look through numbers on my phone and see her name there. But we don't want to be struck down with sorrow, we want to be reminded that "She Won". She is now in the presence of the Lord and the battle that was so difficult for her is over. She will no longer have pain or sorrow. Yet, as Debra and Dad have said so many times today, "It sucks for us". We will miss her everyday for the rest of our lives, yet we are so grateful that she knew Christ and now sits at His feet.
The verse that kept running through my head yesterday and again today is II Timothy 5:6-8, "For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day - and not only to me, but to all who have longed for his appearing"
What a great comfort this verse has been to me. My mom fought the good fight, she finished the race and she kept the faith. She has received her crown of righteousness and will one day be with me again when I receive mine. There is no greater joy than that. My mom would tell me not to sit in my sorrow, but rejoice that I will one day join her and our Lord.
For now I am sad, and that is OK. I will miss her terribly. She was an amazing testimony of God's faithfulness and grace. I am privileged to be called her daughter.
Lisa

She's Gone

Janice went to be with her Lord this afternoon. We're just trying to absorbe the reality of it all tonight and will write some thoughts later. But for now, she would say, "If you want to honor me, honor my Lord Jesus Christ." What a time she must be having tonight. Thank you for going with us through this journey. She has reached her destination, but we've got a ways to go.
Kent

Rough Day

It has been a rough day, an amazing day, and ultimately a day full of the Lord's steadfast love and strength. My Mom had a CAT scan last night that indicated a little "something" going on with her brain. The doctors have been concerned because she had not and is not waking up after stopping her sedation medication. The ICU doctor came in to let us know that the "something" could be due to the infection that she has been battling or could be bleeding in the brain cavity. If the second were true, her battle would be over. He ordered an MRI to get a more detailed picture and the wait began. It is hard to describe the waiting except from my own perspective. I told Debra at one point the only words I could use to express God's presence for me was a wellspring. There were moments of high and low but I knew whatever hiw will, it was OK and that He is my Creator sovereign over all. The feelings/peace felt are the ones I wish I could put into the hearts and bodies of those I love that do not know Jesus. The neurological doctor finally came in and told us her brain is perfectly normal and that the little "something" was a small amount bleeding between the skull and membrane that surrounds the brain. It would heal itself.

She is not waking up because her organ function is diminished. His analogy was like a car not running when it runs out of gas. Her body needs to start working on its own and she needs to help the antibiotics defeat the infection. Her WBC counts are up today but the platelets are still low. Pray that her body can begin to take over and win the race with the infection. We each feel Jesus' presence and peace so blessed be my Lord and the prayers of his saints.

Kristi

Wednesday 7/28

First let me start by saying I am sorry to all you English teachers out there that read last night's blog. I did not proof it before it was posted and after going back and reading it, I am a bit embarrassed. So sorry! I will be more careful this time.

It was a week ago today that I received the call from Kristi that mom was being taken, by ambulance, to the ER. It's hard to believe that we have been in this battle for a week. While on one hand it seems to have been the longest week of my life, on the other it doesn't seem real that mom had been struggling for her life for a week. The amazing thing about this week is how we have seen God answer little and big prayers. It has been such a time of building my faith, along with so many in our family circle. I cannot begin to express our deep appreciation for the church family at Calvary Bible Church. I have seen you surround my dad in amazing ways, from praying with him, to providing meals for the many hungry mouths in our house. It is so nice to be a part of the body of Christ. THANK YOU!

Let me give you an update on mom:
Her blood pressure is being maintained with a lower dose of medication. This is something that shows we have a handle on the infection.
The Dr. in the ICU told us today that they do have the infection under control.
She survived another round of dialysis.
They have taken her completely off the sedation medication and want her to start waking up within the next 12 hours. This will give them a better idea of how she will do in sustaining her heart rate, blood pressure and kidney function.

Prayers:
Continue to pray for the white blood cell count to go up. We want her body to fight the infection on it's own without the help of too many antibiotics.
Please pray that when mom wakes up that she isn't frightened or agitated. That can happen coming off of sedation and we don't want to have to sedate her again. Pray the Lord gives her great peace.
Pray for her blood platelets to continue to rise. She needs those to help with clotting.
Pray that her heart rate stays stable and low and and that her blood pressure will stay good with less medication.

I am going to leave you with the verse that mom chose for this journey:
I Thessalonians 5:16-18 "Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus"
Live this out!

Tuesday 7/27

I have been told that this in now the place to come to get updates on mom. I will try and be diligent about getting it updated everyday so you all know how she is doing.
Today was a good day. We are still in the critical stages and we still face the very real possibility of losing my mom, but today was uneventful. I believe that uneventful is good because that means that mom is maintaining and we haven't had any crisis to work through today. Her white blood cell count is still really low. It is at 1.9 and it needs to be around 10. She is also really low on platelets and has had to receive a few pints of blood.
Her blood pressure has stabled out and the good news is, she was able to maintain, her blood pressure with the medications that raises, it turned down. It's hard to be in the room with her and not watch the monitor every minute to see what her heart rate is and how her blood pressure is. She is still on a medication to keep her heart from racing and it looks like she may be on that for awhile.
They had begun the day thinking that she was going to have another round of dialysis and by 3 pm they decided that they would hold off until tomorrow morning, giving her body a bit of a break. We saw that as a good thing, but she will have dialysis tomorrow to help clean her toxins out of her blood.
The last thing they did was taking totally taken her off the sedation medication. This means that within the next couple days she will wake up out of sedation. Please pray for that process because she still has the breathing tube in and she may fight against it when she wakes up. Our prayer is that when she wakes up there is no fear in her and she is calm with the peace of God.
Please continue to pray for her white blood cell count to come up. It is so important for that count to come up because the antibiotics that they have her on to fight the infection need her body to help. It is the infection that has caused all of this. Another prayer request would be that her blood pressure stays up and her heart rate stays normal.
We are so thankful for the staff at the hospital. They have been absolutely amazing in the care of mom. The Lord has been good to provide great people in our lives and we have seen how His people are the hands and feet of Christ here on this earth. Thank you for the prayers and the words of encouragement.

The Peaks and Valleys

Let me start this blog by saying that these have been by far the most difficult days of my life. As I write my mom is sitting in a hospital bed fighting for her life and connected to so many tubes that I wonder how the nurses keep track of them.
I am constantly battling between anger, sadness and hope. Kristi, Debra and I sat in my mom's room Saturday morning with my dad and talked to my mom about letting go if she was ready. We wanted to let her know that if she had an opportunity to meet Jesus that she could go and we would be OK. It was the hardest conversation I have ever had in my life. I kept wanting her to open her eyes, look at Dad and tell him that she wasn't ready. If you know my mom, you know she always likes to have the last word, so she quite possibly said to herself, "No way, I am fighting through this one".
This week has been one that has been filled with prayer, God's people and His continuous faithfulness. We saw a miracle on Saturday. After being called to the hospital at 4:30 in the morning, because it looked as though she was going to leave us, she battled back and made it through a round of dialysis. The nurse that worked the dialysis was walking on air when she came out. They thought that she would not be able to tolerate the dialysis. Not only did she tolerate it, but she exceeded their expectations. The nurse told us that she would have liked to creditit to her 25 years of experience, but the only one that deserved credit was GOD!
Our God is still a God of miracles. So many times I have taught through the Old Testament with my 7th grade class and wondered why doesn't God perform the miracles like that anymore. Well, He shattered through that and performed a miracle. He gave us hope in circumstances that seemed to have no hope. My mom reminded us through her prayer journal that we need give thanks of prayers in all circumstances. We redirected our prayers yesterday from "God we ask" to "God thank you for....". We continue to pray for complete healing and ask that He will sustain her, yet continue to thank Him for each small victory in this battle.
We have felt the prayer of the warriors that storm the gates on our behalf and on behalf of mom. Words cannot express the thankfulness that we have for the body of Christ and how they have provided for us in so many ways. While we walk through the peaks and valleys of this journey, we know that we have a God that is faithful and true!
If you are wondering how to pray, please pray for her white blood cell counts to go up, her platelets to to up, her blood pressure to stabilize and the infection to be gone. God is good and no matter what happens please join us in praising the Lord that Mom wins no matter what. She know Jesus and has lived a faithful life.

Mom's thoughts on prayer from her journal

Mom wrote this in her journal after reading from Oswald Chambers book on prayer. It was perfectly fitting for us and reminded us of her incredible faith during this journey. Even in her hospital bed, on life support, she was reminding us as to where our prayers should lie.

Think of the last thing you prayed about - were you devoted to your desire or God? The point of asking is that you may get to know God better. "Delight thyself also in the Lord and He will give you the desires of thine heart" Keep praying in order to get a perfect understanding of God Himself.
The main reason many of us leave off praying and become hard towards God is because we have only a sentimental interest in prayer. Too often instead of worshiping God, we construct a statement on how prayer works. We hurl our own petitions at God's throne and dictate to Him as to what we wish Him to do. We do not worship God, nor do we seek to form the mind of Christ.
The plaintive, self-centered, morbid kind of prayer is dead-set on the fact that I want to be right, is never found in the New Testament. The real business of your life has a saved soul is intercessory prayer, whatever circumstances God puts you in, pray immediately, pray for your friends right now; pray for those with whom you come in contact now. Pray on the realization that you are only perfect in Christ Jesus, not on this plea, "O Lord, I have done my best, please hear me." Prayer is not only asking, but an attitude of mind which produces the atmosphere in which asking is perfectly natural.
Is the Son of God praying in me or am I dictating to Him? God always hears the prayers of His Son, and if the Son of God is formed in me the Father will always hear my prayers.
The great battle in private prayer is the over-coming of mental wool-gathering. We have to discipline and concentrate on willful prayer. First thing to do when you wake in the morning is to swing the door wide open and pray to your Father in secret, and every public thing will be stamped with the presence of God.
Prayer is the way the life of God in us is nourished. We often pray as a means of getting things for ourselves; the Bible's idea of prayer is that we may get to know God Himself. God has bigger issues at stake than the particular things I ask.
In prayer - Have no other motive than to know your Father in heaven. It is impossible to conduct your life as a disciple without definite times of secret prayer. Prayer is getting into perfect communication with God. Remember that we have to ask God things that are in keeping with the God whom Jesus Christ revealed.
God's silences are His answers. If God has given you a silence, praise Him, He is bringing you into a great run of His Purpose. If Jesus is bringing you into the understanding that prayer is for the glorifying of His Father, he will give you the first sign of His intimacy - silence.
Prayer does not fit us for the greater works; prayer is the greater work.
In intercession you bring the person, or the circumstances that impinges on you before God until you are moved by His attitude toward it.

Hospital

This morning I was awakened by a phone call from Jerrel. He called to let me know that Kristi had called him and they were taking mom, by ambulance, to the hospital. She has become so weak that they couldn't get her out to the car. Along with that, she had further complications of not being able to catch her breath. It has been such a long journey for her and in my limited understanding of what God was doing in this I kept asking Him, "Why Lord, can't you just give her a break?". I have questioned why the Lord would allow a chemo plan that was suppose to be an easier chemo than most to knock my mom on her butt. It seems that every time we get one side effect in a place that is bearable, she finds another to plague her. So many times I have pleaded with the Lord to give her strength, to stop the side effects, to allow her to walk through this with no problems. Yet,for some reason, the Lord has chosen to allow her to struggle. While in my head I understand that God allows difficulty to happen in our lives to draw us closer to Him and to increase our dependence on Him, I still have had a hard time getting my heart to follow. I think that it's like that for most of us. We question God and ask Him questions that we expect answers to.
I was angry with Him this morning. I questioned why a God that is good would allow this to happen. I questioned why a God that is good would not answer my prayers in a way that I wanted them answered. So I did the only thing I knew to do, I read through the Psalms in the Bible. Oh my, God had a few things to say to me! I was searching for answers in people, in doctors and in my own understanding, all the while the answers were in scripture. I read through Psalm 33 and was comforted that I have a God that created the heavens and earth. I have a God that is right and true. I have a God that is faithful in all he does. Did you hear that?..."faithful in all he does!" That means the Lord is faithful in this. He will protect and love my mom through this when we can't. Who am I to question a God that has created the heavens and the earth? Who am I to question a God that knows the beginning from the end? All I see is the here and now. The part of Psalm 33 that stuck out to me the most is verses 20-22 "We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you."
I will put my hope in the Lord even if I don't completely understand this. I serve a mighty God, a God of miracles. Does that stop me from praying for my moms complete healing? Absolutely not! However, those prayers will be filled with the thankfulness of a mighty God along with the pleading for my moms health. He is worthy of my praise even in the difficulty. He has given me eternal life in His presence and that is more than enough to praise him for. God is good, even when life is difficult.

Half Way

This week we finished treatment # 6; six more to go. I have mentioned before that I had never realized how totally life consuming chemo-therapy is. Each day we pray that God gives us strength for that day, We will deal with tomorrow as it comes (Matt 6:34). It would be a misstatement to say that Janice is doing well, but it is accurate to say we are learning to accept what we have been given and to look forward to the time that it will pass. It still hurts to see her in this condition. When I think she cannot get weaker and survive, she gets weaker and survives. Some things have improved; the nausea, the acidic stomach pain, mouth soars; others have not; the extreme fatigue, itching rash; weakness in her knees that make it hard to walk, metallic taste of food and drinks, and a few others we’ll leave unmentioned. She has lost forty pounds and a great deal of her hair; but not all of it.

That’s all the bad news. The good news is that we’re half way through and the light at the end draws closer. She still has not had to delay another treatment and has had no infections or set backs. Though she is very weak and spends almost all her time resting or going to treatment, her worst days are not as bad as they were a few weeks ago. We are very blessed there is light at the end of our tunnel.
“Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning.” Ps 30:5b

Today I received a note from my friend Judy that an old high school friend of ours, Tommy Blanton, had passed from cancer. I have great memories of Tommy, a short guy who could mow down people twice his size on a football field, and always lost his shoes in the middle of the field. My prayers are for his wife. I know how difficult that must be. I thought I knew that before, but now I understand better. God is teaching me everyday.
“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go:
I will guide you with My eye.” Ps 32:8
When you go through what Mrs. Blanton has just experienced, you understand there is no sufficient strength other than the One who created us. Without Him, it’s all guess work. As all of you continue to pray for Janice and me (and thank you for that) perhaps you can remember to mention Mrs. Tommy Blanton for awhile.

Our cancer center (CBCC) is full of people with stories. Some are full of hope; some, not much; but all full of courage. I’ve told you a bit about our little friend, Shauna, who is doing somewhat better, and I have mentioned a few others. Perhaps, I’ll use an upcoming blog to tell you a few of those stories. It will certainly make you realize that every day of good health is a gift of God’s grace. But each story makes you realize He never abandons us. Thanks for hanging in there with us.
Kent

The Coast

07/03/2010
I am sitting here waiting for Kent. We are going to try and spend a few days at the coast. I have none of my usual side affects except I have developed Thrush in my mouth so I can’t eat. The doc gave me some meds so it should help soon.

As I haven’t written in a few weeks, let me share with what is going on in my little chemo brain. I have also prided myself on being a strong person; there was no challenge, problem, event that I could not handle. After all I come from strong stock and I have raised my girls to be strong. But my Lord has a way of letting me know when I am way off track. I have studied and read my Bible for well over 40 years and I believe every word it says. I believe that the world was created by God in seven days, I believe a flood covered this earth, I believe in the word of the prophets, I believe God chose to come to this earth as a man, to take on the sins of all of us, that He will return to redeem those who accept that. What I wasn’t seeing is the truth that my strength does not come from my self but from my God. He has given me well over 20 verses in the last month to teach me that fact. Cancer has shown me that only in His strength can any of us really function. We may think it is by our own, but trust me on this one, it is only through Him that any of us even makes it through the day. Trust in His strength and His alone because one of these days it may be all you have. God bless and remember “The joy of the Lord is my strength." Janice

07/06/2010 -- Update
We did spend a few days in Cayucos on the coast over the 4th and Janice did just fine. She is still fighting the Thrush, but it’s much better. She’s lost about 35 lbs now and is pretty weak, but we’re coming up on the half way point next week. With God’s help and all your prayers, we’re going to make it. Kent

A Prayer --- Dad

Lord, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done; and Janice says four way by-pass surgery was a piece of cake in comparison. How do men survive watching their wives die of cancer? Janice will get through it eventually and I truly believe she will know full recovery. But I never expected her to be so sick and weak with every side effect written in the book. I never expected to have to carry a lump around in my throat every day as I watch her in so much misery. Why is it so bad for her when many going through the same chemo regimen seem to be cruising through with few problems? The enemy is using every opportunity he can to convince us to give up. But, “…greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world.” (1 Jn 4:4). The key to victory in the battle has to be in getting back to the basic of all life …. Jesus Christ.

This week, an unusually bad one, I have often remembered and tried to meditate upon the first verse I was given the day of her diagnosis. I don’t like to remember that day, but I do like to remember that promise.

Isa. 43:1b-3
“Fear not for I have redeemed you…” Life is eternal, and for those who are willing to accept that gift and yield to the Giver, it’s already paid for. No matter how difficult this is, it will end. My new chemo friend, Shauna, mother of three, whose wimp of a husband left her because of her cancer, which has now spread throughout her body, has a motto. She says, I win; either way, I win.” I’m not quite there yet, but I would like to be.
“I have called you by your name; You are Mine.” Wow! That is awesome! The Creator of the universe calls me Kent, and says I belong to Him. “…He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world…” (Eph 1:4a) That is mind boggling, but a God who spoke the universe into being doesn’t seem to have much trouble understanding it.
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned. Nor shall the flame scorch you.” The river has been deep and the fire pretty hot this week, but we are not alone. Nothing touches us that doesn’t pass through God’s hands first. The Lord has made His presence known in so many people who have told us they’re praying; in my girls who seem to have a knack of showing up or phoning just at the right time; in the friends who either spend time with us or offer to do so; in the nurses at CBCC who go to so much effort to try to make Janice feel better; and even in my little squirt of a dog whose laying on my lap with unconditional love as I write this. (Although I really don’t need another lick in the face).
“For I am the Lord your God, The Holy one of Israel, your Savior.” When I realize that I’m not as tough as I thought I was; when I realize just how uncontrollable life is, I am extremely grateful that Janice and I and our whole family are in the hands of the One who controls it all. That doesn’t particularly make her feel better, but it helps to put things into perspective. He truly is, “…the way, the truth and the life.” (Jn 14:4) As Shauna says, eventually, “We win!”.

As the Psalmist and song writer, Horatio Spafford ( http://www.faithclipart.com/guide/Christian-Music/hymns-the-songs-and-the-stories/it-is-well-with-my-soul-the-song-and-the-story.html ) have said, “It is well with my soul.” ….. in spite of the battle of the body.

rks

Quick Update 06/20/2010

I thought I'd better give a quick update for those of you who keep up with us through the blog. Janice keeps telling me she plans to write, but she just never feels well enough to do so. We finished our fourth chemo series last week and it's taking it's tole. We have tried all the remedies given to us, but have just had to settle in for a long battle. There seems to be a pattern of symptems that she goes through for several days after the treatments and the nausea just never goes away. The White Blood Cell (WBC) count goes down every treatment, which means she has to go through a series of Leukine shots which have pretty nasty side effects of their own. It is discouraging to say the least and we keep praying it'll get better, but we just keep living one day at a time and look forward to that last treatment in October.
Having said all that, I have to confess that God is teaching us a lot. We are meeting so many people at CBCC and He is teaching us something through each one of them. Many are going through more than we with little hope of recovery. Our prayer list grows longer everyday. Janice does have a blog composed in her mind, and one of these days she'll be feeling well enough to write it. So, don't give up on us. two more treatments and we're half way through. Every day is a day closer. "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Matt 6:34)
rks

God & Kathy Jo 06/01/2010 Mom

I figured I had better give you all an update after my last blog. I was not feeling too well then, but the Lord has again shown His grace.

Kent and I went Tuesday the 25th for my WBC shot and what we thought would be a consult with the doctor. I can not remember ever feeling like I felt that morning when we entered the clinic. It turns out the doctor was busy, but the Lord sent us an angel by the name of Kathy Jo that was better than any doctor. She is a PA who knows what is happening in the real world of chemo. She immediately took us into her office and sat us down. She asked what exactly was going on and Kent told her I had every side effect know to chemo. She turned to me and said, “OK, let’s start at the beginning – tell me about the constipation. Now here sits a woman who, if you know me well, cries only in extreme circumstances. I opened my mouth to speak and found no words, just tears streaming down my face, as I desperately tried to regain some sense of composure. Finally, all I could do is point at Kent. This man sat and explained all the ins and outs of his wife’s inner workings. Now this is true love in action. Kathy wrote everything down, disappeared for a while, and came back with the doctor’s approval for her plan of action. Within minutes I found myself in a chair, saline solution being fed into my body, a blanket fresh from the warmer over my body, my prayer quilt over that, Kent’s I Pod in my ears, and I went blissfully to sleep. I went in for hydration for two days and immediately I began to feel better. I was scheduled for a series of 9 shots to bring my blood count up but the Lord had a better plan. After just two injections, my white count went from a 2.7 to 7.0. How is that for a mighty God?
I am doing much better. Went to church on Sunday and even spent the evening in the park for a church picnic. I go back for my regular treatment tomorrow and they will be followed by two days of hydration.
The verse that explains the peace and assurance I feel is Zephaniah 3:17 “the Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save, He will take great delight in you. He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” This is how I feel about Him and His care for me. Keep praying and I will keep holding onto Him for my strength. Janice

MUSINGS ABOUT PRAYER 05/28/2010 Dad

Now here’s the deal about prayer. I don’t understand it. I have read books about the proper methods of prayer, I have heard teaching and sermons about it; Jesus made a point to tell His disciples how to pray; and He prayed for them (Jn 17). Paul said to “…pray without ceasing…” (1 Thes. 5:17), and James tells us that, “The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.” (Jms 5:16). Obviously, I’m not a righteous man, according to Ps 14:3 and Rom 3:10, but then who is? So, who does God listen to, and does He change His mind if the right people pray? He is the Alpha and Omega (Rev 21:6); He knows the beginning from the end. Nothing touches us that doesn’t pass through His hands first (Matt 28:20). Some of you are probably saying at this point, “I need to send Kent that book I read about prayer.” I’ve probably already read it, or one like it. I understand all the theology behind prayer, but I still don’t understand prayer. The simplest analogy my limited mind can understand is that our talking to God is like our children talking to us when they were little. We have a much better view of things than a small child and we know what is going to be best in the long run. We want them talking to us because we love them and want the communication to build the relationship. We already know what the answer is going to be, but we want them to participate because they are an intricate part of our family and who we are. But we’re not going to let them hurt themselves, unless they pester us to the point we let them hurt themselves a bit to teach a lesson. If they quit talking to us it’s because there is something wrong with the relationship. I think God wants us talking to Him, and I think He listens, and I think He responds in a way that protects us in the long run and is consistent with His sovereign attributes.

As my old friend Charlie says, I have been “pondering” this today. We’ve had a rough week, and a lot of people told us they were praying. Some would call it coincidental; some would just write it off to medical procedure. Call it whatever you like, but I believe the vast improvement in Janice’s condition the last two days has had everything to do with all of your prayers. Her white blood cell count went from 2.9 (very bad) on Monday to 7.0 (good) today with only 3 of the 10 shots they had intended to give her. They’re going to give her one more tomorrow and cancel the rest for now. After two hydration treatments she went from hardly being able to hold her head up to harassing Debra today and eating almost a whole Monster Taco from Del Taco. If all remains well, she will be able to take her chemo next week. Though I’m not sure how prayer works, I believe with all my being that it is critical, and we deeply appreciate all of you. Keep it up and thank you.

The picture below is of one of the small groups of Lisa’s sixth grade class after they chose to spend some time praying in school for Lisa’s mom. That was earlier in the week and what a difference we saw from Monday to Thursday. And, yes, my questioning friends, it is a private Christian school. They can do that kind of stuff and it meant a great deal to our family.
Kent

A HARD DAY 05/25/2010 Dad

I have told people when they are struggling that it helps to write about it. So, here I am. It’s getting tougher. Yesterday, Janice was unable to take her treatment because her white blood cells and something called “Neutrophils” have dropped through the floor. Those are the things that fight off infection, so it’s not good when that happens. They are giving her shots to make the bone marrow produce more of those little critters. They told us that it would make her fatigued, and watch out for high temperatures. Say what? We’re going to make a lady who has trouble having enough energy to walk across the floor, more fatigued? But they did, and it worked well. She spent all day on the couch until she went to bed at 6:00 PM. Also, her temp shot up to 101 deg. Praise the Lord, it did come back down. It seems like every side effect to chemo written in the book is manifesting itself in her body. Good thing she never became a dope head. The first hit probably would have been an OD. Tomorrow, we go back in for an evaluation; whatever that means. Hopefully, it means we will change some directions and make this a bit more doable. I know she can’t go another five months on the current path.

I guess I never thought it would be this hard. We were told this is not as tough a chemo regime as others. But I don’t think they took into consideration her body reaction to chemicals of any sort. I just hate watching her go through this, and I keep thinking of friends who have been through even worse. So, bear with us as we fight the battle, and keep praying. If there is anything to be learned from this perhaps it’s the lesson the Apostle Paul had to learn when he kept asking God to take away his “thorn in the flesh”, whatever that was. God said, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Cor 12:9) I don’t believe I have ever felt more helpless than I do right now, but this too will pass. “Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though the outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” (2 Cor 4:16-18) I have that labeled in my Bible as “Helen’s verse”, after a courageous lady who influenced me greatly in the battle of cancer.
So, thanks for your prayers and thoughts. Pray that God will forgive my lack of faith and keep praying that He will use this to His benefit. I know He will.
Kent

CHEMO 3 May 24, 2010 MOM

I have put off writing until I had my scheduled chem. treatment today so I could update everyone on what is happening. My white blood count is still low so I will skip this treatment and do 10 days of shots to boost my bone marrow.

As I sit to write I can’t help but think of the verse I have chosen for this time and wonder how all I am going through fits with it. I Thessalonians 4:6 tells me to “Be joyful always” and I am joyful. I am joyful when my 6 year old granddaughter, Hannah, calls her grandma just to check on her, I am joyful when my 12 year old grandson, Josiah, sends me a card to tell me his entire Sunday School Class is praying for me and then gives me verse to hang on to, I am joyful when my 15 year old grandson, Jesse, texts me to tell me he is wearing the scarf I gave him for Christmas and it reminds him to pray for me and that he loves me; I am joyful that my three daughters and husband are there in some way everyday; I am joyful for my three sisters who call to give me their strength and love; I am joyful for friends from the past (Stones, Nancy, Heidi, &Christi Little) who have me in their prayers; I am joyful for friends who are constantly aware of my every need; and I am joyful for a church family that has surrounded, uplifted, and encouraged me by prayer, cards, and hugs.

I Thessalonians 4:17 tells me to pray continually and believe me I do. The Lord and I have spent more than a few hours conversing about my cancer. I thank Him for His presence, I question His wisdom; I cry out my frustrations, but I always come back to the great peace He has given me throughout this time. God doesn’t make mistakes so I will trust Him again and again.

I Thessalonians 4:18 tells me “give thanks in all circumstances” and I will be the first to admit that I am not always obedient to this verse. I want to know what He is teaching me and I want to know it yesterday. I want to know why He would choose someone as weak as me to proclaim His love even when fighting nausea; I want to know if my cancer will be used for His glory because this is my greatest prayer. I know my God is a God of perfect will who will reveal to me His glory in His time. I pray for patience as I give Him thanks for sustaining me for another week.

God may not react like I would have Him but He will always be true to the words in His Book and in them I can put my complete and total trust. So keep praying for me and I will keep trusting Him.
In Him,
Janice.

Second Round 05/10/2010 Dad

Today started the second round of Janice's chemo. She has been really good the past few days and I hated to see her get her legs kicked out from under her again, but such is the world of chemo. We were surprised and a bit discouraged when they told us the blood test showed a low white cell count and they were questioning whether or not to do the chemo treatment today. Every chemo patient wants to stay on schedule in order to get through in the expected time frame. Prov. 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding, ...and He will direct your paths." I didn't feel much like trusting the Lord today, but He didn't leave me much choice. And, of course, He came through again. The doctor decided it wasn't that bad and to go ahead with the treatment. Then we found out her potassium level was low and we needed to get a perscription for potassium pills. The story of Walgreens and the potassium pills is another whole story that I will not bore you with now. For those of you who are praying, here is the requests: 1) That the white cell count will come up and not be a problem, and that she can stay on schedule. They said the fact that it is a problem so early in treatment means it will probably continue to be. But our Lord can fix that with no effort at all. 2) That Janice will be protected from infection, which is the problem with the white cells being down.
"He will not be afraid of evil tidings;
His heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord."
Guess I need to quit getting so shook over those evil tidings. The cancer battle seems to have a fair share of them. Thanks again for the prayers. You guys are the fuel for the battle.
Kent

Hope in the Lord

May 2, 2010

My first week of chemo has come and gone with mixed results. I can honestly say it has not been the highlight of my life. Monday found me with a two hour drip that causes my cells to stop dividing. After the drip they hook me to a pump that does a 24 hour infusion into my system. I take that home with me. Tuesday I return, unhook the pump, have an hour drip that coats the good cells so they will divide (This stuff is smarter than me – it knows which cells to coat) then I am hooked back up to the pump for another 22 hours. Wednesday I go get unhooked and am free for the next week. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday found me feeling ok. Went to bed early Monday but the steroids keep me up Tuesday. Wednesday I felt well enough to go to Celebrate Recovery. Thursday found me going a little slow and by Friday and Saturday I felt like I had been run over by the world’s largest body poison polluter. I am constantly nauseous which surprises no one in my family because anytime something goes into my system, that’s how I react. I spend those two days pretty much sitting in my chair.

As I was sitting, feeling miserable, a verse I have used many times over the years came to me. Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Even though I know God’s word is always true, I could not help but wonder to myself and God what good was this possibly serving. I certainly had no energy to share with anyone, I couldn’t even find the energy to pick up my Bible and read His word. It took Him a few minutes (or longer) to get through to me but I slowly realized that my being still was what He desired most. I know that every breath I take depends on God, but when I am feeling strong and healthy I don’t really give it much thought. The last two days everything I felt has been given much thought, and all given to Him. I have friends and family who love me, but I can not be complaining over every new little pain – but He will listen to me – I can’t keep them from doing what they need to do – but He will never leave my side – I can’t ask them to bring the yellow finches to my bird feeder – but He brought me a dozen of them. Kent would do anything for me, but when I just need to cry sometimes it’s only God who needs to hear – Kent gives me his love but God gives me His strength. I went to church today and every song we sang had to do with God’s glory and His giving us the strength we needed to face our day. For that I will continue to praise Him. When I took communion, it brought new tears to my eyes thinking of what my God did for me. I complain about nausea – He was beaten, spat upon, and crucified for me. So if I complain occasionally while doing this blog please be sure that I do know where it is at – that I am the arms of a loving God and He will renew my strength. Today we sang from Isaiah 40:29 “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak….but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.”

Janice

The Chemo Battle

05/02/2010
I haven’t written in awhile, but it doesn’t mean I haven’t been appreciative of all the people reading this blog and praying for us. We are now in the battle phase labeled “chemo-therapy”. Of course, all of us have known people who are going through it, or have gone through it. But what a difference it is to walk into their world and see the terms I have heard for years come to life ….. like “side effects” “nausea symptoms”, “appetite loss”, “weight loss”, “cell count”, “markers”, “staying on schedule”, etc., etc. I have two thoughts; chemo pretty much sucks, and thank God for chemo. It is difficult to watch my usually energetic, social wife trying to just maintain some kind of positive outlook while her body is wracked with dry heaves and she tries to find the energy to walk outside and feed the birds. Yet, I am thankful that there are treatments available which reduce the chance of recurrence down to 10%. Chemo seldom kills you, but cancer often does. So, we are learning that we live from one day to the next and adjust to what the day brings. Janice is determined not to let cancer control her life, but outside of the Lord, it certainly has an inside on influence right now. The Serenity Prayer we use in Celebrate Recovery says, “…Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it…” and Scripture says, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” ( 2 Cor 1:3-4) Leaving CBCC (Comprehensive Blood and Cancer Center --- and that’s the last time I’m telling you that) the other day, we saw a lady that had been inside for a chemo treatment, waiting on the bus. They have a group that picks people up, drives them to chemo, and takes them home, but for some reason, this woman was waiting for the bus. Janice has already seen her opportunity for ministry when this is all done. So, ya’ll keep praying, and we’ll keep fighting, and we’ll get through this. Thanks always for the help.

rks

Treatment Begins

April 24, 2010

“Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” I Thessalonians 5:16-18.

I start with my verse because I need to constantly remind myself of what it tells me. If I am honest, I will admit there are days where I don’t feel joyful, when I feel if I am poked or cut one more time I will lose it. But I also know that I have to go to my Lord. If I have learned nothing else these last couple of months, it is that only through Him will I have joy and peace.
He continues to give me those little miracles that remind me of His eternal presence. Last week I went into surgery for my portacath. I was told that it would be scheduled for 9:30 am. This gave me some concern because I tend to get headaches that cause nausea when I go without food or drink for too long. Then they called and said 6:30 and I knew this was the Lord, but about 15 minutes later they called back and said sorry – the procedure would not be until noon and I was not to eat anything after midnight. I texted Lisa and told her to start praying that I would not get a headache. (I have since discovered that I had many people praying for this). Would you believe that my surgery was put off until 2:00 and I never even got a hint of a headache. It was as if the Lord wanted me to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He was in control. Once again he held me by “His strong right hand”.
Now that I have the portacath my treatments can start. I will go into the cancer center on Monday at noon for the beginning of my first round of chemo. They will keep me there and give me the first drug, this is followed by a second drug which, according to them, is administrated within a 15 minute time, then they will give me a pump for the 3rd drug which I will take home with me and let it drip for about 22 hours. I return on Tuesday to go through the same procedure and then on Wednesday they disconnect the pump and I am free for the next week. I will do this for 6 months as long as my counts stay where they need to be. Our prayer now is that this will happen so I can stay on schedule. Keep me in your prayers as I start this process. Today in church a friend gave me a small devotional and the first verse I came across was this: “Be strong and brave. Don’t be afraid…and don’t be frightened, because the LORD your God will go with you. He will not leave you or forget you.” Deuteronomy 31:6 This is what I needed to hear. It never ceases to amaze me how He can speak to me through His word and give me the words I need for the place I am at that day.
Janice

The Chamber

April 13, 2010

It has been a week of many events in my life. I was sent in on Friday to do a CAT and PET scan before I was to see an oncologist. Bakersfield has a medical center called CBCC which is Comprehensive Blood and Cancer Center. It is a huge medical complex that works closely with UCLA in the latest research on cancer and blood diseases. I found myself going for the 4th time in about month to have my body injected with radioactive isotopes. They put an IV in my arm; then took me to this little room with two recliners separated by a petition. The nurse came in and gave me an injection and told me it would have to circulate for an hour. As I am sitting there a man comes in and sits in the other recliner as they inject him. He asked if his wife could sit by him and was told, “Oh no, you’re radioactive.” That did not make me feel like this was going to be a good day. Forty-five minutes later I was taken to the CAT lab where I received another injection that came from a lead container. The CAT scan is simple and fast so it was not long and I was headed for the PET scan. They stick you on a table that is about as wide as one of my legs, strap you down, put your arms above your head, and send you into a tunnel that moves about two inches every 20 minutes. I think whoever invented this little torture chamber (my arms made me feet like I was on the rack after the first twenty minutes) probably lost several patients to insanity before he found the exact length of time a person could lay totally still in a six inch chamber with arms above the head before the mind gave way. I was just about there when the little nurse stuck her head in and told me two more minutes. It made me feel better but I think she lied to give me hope. Again, I don’t know what I would do if I could not talk to my Lord and recite scripture. It did tell me that if I have to do this often, I need to memorize more of the Word.
Ten o’clock Monday morning found me sitting reading when the phone rang and they told me to come in at 11:00. Kent was at the gym and I will be honest, I panicked. All types of things started going through my mind as to why they would want to see me so soon. It was when I looked down at my journal and saw what I was writing that I was reminded who was in control. I was reading Psalm 31:14 “But I trust in You, O Lord; I say, You are my God.” Kent made it home and as we were driving to the doctors Lisa called to ask what time my appointment was. I asked her how she knew I had an appointment as I just found out myself. She said she had it in her head that I was going to see the oncologist – in fact she had people praying all week for the appointment on Monday. Isn’t God good – He covered me with prayer even when I didn’t know I would need it. My tests were all clear – no sign of cancer. The doctor does want me to do Chemo to lessen the odds of the cancer showing up in five years. Without Chemo there is a 25% chance of it returning – with Chemo the odds go to 10 %. Today we went back to the surgeon and he will put in a portacath on Friday and we will start chemo in the next two weeks. The chemo will be done using a combination of three drugs that will be injected slowly over a 24 hour period. I will go to the center to get it started and then come home while it drips into my body; then back to the center to have it removed. This will be done every two weeks for six months. I have been so blessed in so many ways. The Lord has kept me from so many things that all I can do is thank Him for His goodness. Jeremiah 17:7 says “But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him.” Thanks for continuing to pray for Kent and me as we face the next step in this journey.

Janice

Resting in Him (mom)

April 6th, 2010

It is two weeks since my surgery and I feel a little stronger every day. I was able to go to church Easter morning and it was so good to be in the house of the Lord. It is a reminder that my God conquered not just my sin, but death and that no matter what may happen to me, I will be with Him in eternity.

We are still in a holding pattern waiting for the oncologist to get back to us. He has been in the Philippians on a Mission trip so that is good.

I’ve had lots of time to sit and think as my body heals and regains its strength. I am constantly amazed at the complete peace that my Lord continues to surround me with every day and every moment. I know there are those out there who put their trust in the power of positive thinking – pulling yourself up by the boot straps – etc., but I can’t help but wonder how they do during those dark moments in the middle of the night when they are completely alone with nothing but their own thoughts. How do they deal with the doubts, the what ifs, the fears that are just a natural part of the human experience? I know that if I could not place myself in His arms as I am reminded that “He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing” Zephaniah 3:17 I would not want to face the morning. It is in the dead of night that I can hear Him singing over me causing me to rest in complete peace. His song will chase away any fear or anxiety I may feel. Psalm 63:6-8 tells me “On my bed I remember You, I think of You through the watches of the night. Because You are my help, I sing in the shadows of Your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.” To actually experience His great love for me, as I do today, makes me thankful that He has given me this time to fully understand His great love for me. When I was well I loved Him, but it was in my sickness that I truly have felt His presence and His great love for me. Would I want anyone else to go through what I am going through– no – but I will tell you that when you go through it with the Lord holding you by His right hand there is no greater blessing. So in many ways I feel as though I am one of the lucky ones who is being given the blessing of truly abiding with Him. Beth Moore makes a statement in her devotional that I like, “If nothing frightening ever happened, how could the assurance of God’s constant presence be the quieter of our fears?” As Psalm 119 says, “It was good for me to be afflicted, so that I might learn your decrees.”

Love to you all
Janice